Roman asked me to try something different in a private session to gain some first experiences. Ketamine, a substance that has a completely different effect than other psychedelics, but can also be used therapeutically or for personal development.
It was only supposed to be a small dose for the first time, to get a feeling for how it works.
But that was good, because even this small dosage was enough for me to develop the full effect. Very quickly I felt very good and had the feeling to fall asleep right away.
Shortly after, I was already completely gone in an unconscious state.
You can have that with other substances too and I already had, but the inner experience was very different with ketamine.
I still had an inner perception, but this was completely detached from my ego, a state that can be called Ego Death or perhaps better Ego Dissolution.
With other substances (e.g. Psylocibin) I had a very conscious experience of images, messages, stories, there was interaction and communication, which I could remember and report afterwards quite well.
Now it was completely different. The perception and the experience was only on the level of feeling (not emotion).
Music, colors, forms, one’s own breathing and body sensation merged as if into a fluid continuum. Words can hardly describe it, but it was definitely a very light, cuddly feeling full of harmony, perhaps as if one were in an ocean of fluffy clouds and was part of it oneself. I didn’t think about anything, I didn’t even wonder about it, no reflection at all.
That the ego, the conscious experience is completely switched off, you only really notice when it slowly comes back. That is a longer process and it is somewhat critical. When the first thoughts come up again, who am I, where am I, what is going on here, how does my body work, and you don’t find the right answers right away, it can cause anxiety and panic. I have also experienced this to some extent, but it is very helpful when you open your eyes again and look into a familiar, friendly face that smiles at you. And it was also good that this was Roman’s face, because he has experience and already knows his way around such situations.
I also had to get used to the language again, he recognized that and spoke to me very simply and calmly, just as I needed at that moment.
Since I was unconscious for 2 hours or so, he was of course also worried, but he assessed it correctly that it was not dangerous (normal breathing and pulse) and simply waited.
He hardly let on that he was worried, but radiated calmness and security.
The interesting thing about this experience was not only experiencing this feeling itself, but especially how I was able to deal with it afterwards. When I was back and conscious thinking began again, the impression of the dissolved ego still had such an intense effect that I was now able to perceive the world and reality quite differently. People’s perception of reality is to varying degrees very subjective and limited, depending on the imprints one has experienced in life.
Imprints from the family, school, religion, media, social environment influence our attitude, our opinion and our view of the world. All this forms our own reality.
After the ego dissolution, one gets a much more universal perspective, one suddenly recognizes completely different connections, for which one was almost blind before. As a result, personal reality changes, becomes more complex, more colorful, less black and white.
This could also help me, for example, to understand other people better, because you see much more clearly how actually everyone is almost always trapped in their ego.
It was also great that I could talk to Roman about these thoughts, because he can also understand this well through his own experience and psychological knowledge.
Even later, when this impression was no longer so intense, I could still manage to remember it and use it to assess things more objectively. It definitely helps to gain more serenity in life if you can put your own ego into perspective and not take it so seriously.
This session was completely different from what I expected, much more intense than just a little trial and error.
But even though Roman himself did not expect it, he accompanied the whole thing very confidently and sensitively, so that it could become a really positive experience for me.
In my opinion, this substance is not so well suited for a group ceremony,
It is best to have your own tripsitter by your side the whole time, who is then simply there in critical moments and knows what to do.